Cheers! To a Year of Choosing Me

A few words come to mind when I think of 2021 as a whole: Change, confusion, unsettled, decisions, longing, discovery and maybe even transformation. The last two are newer additions to this list, the rest are mainly pandemic specific experiences. Discovery and (maybe) transformation sum up the tail end of this past year and I think beautifully round it off, leaving me feeling full of anticipation for 2022. I’ve met myself again the past few months - reached out and shook my hand tentatively, then fully embraced myself in a weepy hug. I’m becoming my own best friend and the love of my own life. Seriously.

I lost myself over the past two years, giving everything I was to the word around me. I left nothing but pitiful emptiness to sit with when I was alone. Whether there was a firm breaking point or something specific that prompted me to reclaim my sense of self, I’m still unsure. Though I do owe a massive debt of gratitude to Florence Given and her [literally] life-changing book Women Don’t Owe You Pretty. The message of the book made me re-think a lot of things I’d been missing in my life - boundaries, primarily. Ever since I started firmly setting my own, I swear it’s become a buzzword on social media. Though this may just be a Seeing Red Cars phenomenon since the concept of setting boundaries has rightly been a topic of conversation in mainstream media for a good while now. I digress.

Putting myself first, not placing people on pedestals, and observing how I alter my behaviour for the sole benefit of others are all things I knew I should be doing. These objectively necessary things sat in my periphery for a long time, but emotions like desire, frantic infatuation, and intense insecurity always took up too much space to allow them into view. 2021 was like putting a pair of glasses on that I didn’t know I needed, and needed badly. I started the process of putting myself back together by putting myself first.

If I’m coming across as if I went on an Eat Pray Love-esc retreat, I assure you my experience has been far messier. And the mess is ongoing.

My instinct at this point is to clarify to you that I do not mean for this blogpost to sound selfish, or as if I do not care about others. I care deeply, but I do want to acknowledge the ridiculousness of my feeling the need to acknowledge this point. To apologize or water-down a piece of writing where I am using strong, forward language, is to defeat the purpose of the changes I am trying to make in my life entirely. I’m sure many of the women reading this can relate. We can be selfish and be good people. We can serve our loved-ones, communities, and planet while protecting our boundaries and refraining from giving out free emotional labour. Again, I thank Florence Given for this notion.

Looking intimately at habits and mindsets you’ve had drilled into you your whole life is horrifically uncomfortable. I’ve experienced separation anxiety from toxic emotions and thinking patterns, surely gone through withdrawal symptoms in my own way, found a psychologist I like, cried hysterically and felt continuously more fulfilled by my own company. This idea of committing to myself has ebbed and flowed throughout my life but it’s always been a 1-2 day long mindset (normally after being disappointed by a boy). I’ve never fully subscribed to the idea of being devoted to myself. And now that this seems to be the case, and a sense of momentum is growing, I’m filled with curiosity of how situations in my life will start to play out differently than before. Will the changes be subtle or obvious? How will one change bleed into another? I’ve already noticed the way one shift in mindset can show up unexpectedly in the way I dress, how I communicate through social media, or the music I’m drawn to. I’m ready to take more risks in some ways - explore uncharted corners of myself, but also be confident in my ability to say “no”, to stay in, to prioritize rest.

I’ve always been told that I’m an over-thinker. Thoughtful over-thinking has become a tag line for my blog and social media presence as a way for me to reclaim this trait I’ve assumed was a fault. I like analyzing situations, I always have. Looking for deeper meaning whether it’s there or not is a specialty of mine. This tendency has lead me down some dark and unnecessarily complicated paths, still, I don’t want to think of this part of me that “over-thinks” as a flaw. Not anymore. I am, instead, trying to approach it differently. I can still analyze, think differently, and wonder deeply, but I’m choosing to do it at arms length. I’ve always held things closely, one could argue too-closely, to my chest. This has lead me to take things personally, and latch on to certain story-lines in dangerous ways. I’m trying to soften, to look from a short distance to allow for a better view of all angles, and retain complete freedom to let something go. Or maybe, with caution, allow some things to get a bit closer. Practicing this very foreign way of thinking has allowed me to breath, to take up more space, and even experience some quiet. Change is good. Change that requires us to challenge ourselves and question everything is terrifying, but even better.

Thanks for reading.

Em