Feeling Restless | A Mental Health Reflection
This is the first time I’ve sat down to write in three weeks. I wrapped up my first two Remake events as host, met a magazine article deadline, and made a career-altering decision. This sounds productive, right? Could someone please remind me to tell myself that!? It feels as though my brain is essentially shut down, or working on auto pilot. But things seem to have reached a reasonable state of calm today, and my thoughts are flowing freely enough to write to you. Thank goodness; one can only watch so much Superstore in hopes of escaping the stressors of life before their brain needs active stimulation.
With moving fast approaching I haven’t really allowed myself to truly get excited for what’s to come. Sure, my Pinterest is the most stunning collection of home inspiration and my new couch sits patiently awaiting unboxing in my garage, but there’s been too many other things demanding my attention to warrant true excitement. Mental breakdowns and extreme burnout, for example. Plus, the thrill of a new space to make my own has almost felt too good to be true. It’s still not something I can picture in any form of reality, it simply exists in the “wouldn’t that be nice” space of my mind. I also seem to have this lurking anticipation that I’m going to have another mental breakdown regarding the move itself. Aren’t I supposed to cry and feel overwhelmed by the fact that I’m leaving my childhood home!? Images of the future home are providing more excitement to overshadow any sadness I may feel, I suppose. Sadness truly isn’t the case for me right now, it’s more of an untethered feeling. With so much changing all around me, I need something to keep me grounded, to stay the same. I’d wager a guess this is from a mixture of pandemic fatigue and abnormal amounts of change all happening at once. I’ll try my best not to manifest a panic attack when closing day comes nearer, I just want to sit comfortably in the excitement for a while. And hey, maybe what’s staying the same is right here at my fingertips (it’s you!) No matter how the whirlwind of life spins around me, emeroo is here for me. You, and Harry Potter. Re-reading The Goblet of Fire seemed the only reasonable solution to my spinning mind. Thank you for indulging in my catharsis.
“Restless Year” by Ezra Furman has come on while I’m writing this blog post, and I’m realizing just how much I relate to that idea. I feel incredibly restless. This year feels incredibly restless, naturally. There’s always something that needs doing, whether that’s blog content, Instagram, Rising, Remake, new opportunities that present themselves, and of course, packing. But I can never seem to sit long enough to do more than answer a few emails or take one simple photo before I wander to the dreamland that occupies the majority of my mind. I have a longer attention span for listening to songs that I know will make me weep from nostalgia and a longing for another life (WALLS by Kings of Leon - total crying face emoji), even though I know it isn’t healthy, nor productive. I don’t particularly want to be productive if it’s not coupled with social interaction and intrigue. And yet, any socializing I’ve done has made me even more exhausted. Though my craving for emotional intimacy and song-worthy life experiences right now is so intense my mind seems to not bother with real life very much at all. Unfortunately the unreal life in my head which gets the majority of my attention tends to lean on the notion of “imagine and expect the worst possibility, so you’re not disappointed in the future”. Realistically I’d be better off chasing emotional stability, if anything.
The Calm app meditations have helped me begin to acknowledge this phenomenon while trying to be more present, and celebrate my small wins (I cleaned the litter box today AND packed up my too-small Celine boots to sell on Vestiaire Collective - wins). But I can’t help wondering when this year will transition to not-so-restless. Will it take a second dose of vaccine in the coming months? Perhaps a trip out of town will refresh my mind, or the new space I can make my own? Though I can’t help but feel like none of these objectively good things will do the trick. What I know behind the millennial worry, doubt, and technology infused anxiety, is that what I really need is a change in mindset. Brilliant, Emily. Hand over my psychology degree now! But this mindset change doesn’t come easily to me. I can induce a dramatic shift in mood on a whim if I set a wonderful intention for my frame of mind, deciding the frustration of the world in my phone shouldn’t ruin my day. Will it last more than a few hours? Unlikely. So how do I create a clear mindset, free from the pressure and fogginess of life, and make it last? First step I think is this: Sitting and writing it down. As I do, I’m asking myself, “who’s putting all this pressure on you?”. Oh right, that’s my own doing. What’s causing all the fogginess? Probably the overwhelming change (understandable) piled on top of the massive to-do list I’m always giving myself (that’s the kicker). This is all my own doing. The key moving forward is not to take on the blame for steering myself into the lane of burnout. It happens to everyone, and if you’re anything like me you’ll want to pay attention to this next statement: Everyone needs rest, everyone needs to show themselves patience and kindness, no one is capable of being productive all the time, you are not the exception. Now join me in saying it again and again until it sticks.
What about you? How are you feeling this year? Can you relate to this feeling of restlessness? Do you also belittle yourself for time spent not checking off to-do lists? I know I can’t be alone in this fog, especially right now when all of our conscious sense of reality has been warped, twisted, and ripped away from us only to be slowly handed back. I want to know what helps you feel like your normal self, how you show yourself patience and kindness, and any advice anyone has for clearing a foggy, restless mind. You know where the comments go!
Thanks for reading.
Em
